You can download for your ereader or read below!
The download also contains the other bonus “Dinner with The Evers”
xoxo, minx


I couldn’t believe it. I had done it. I had attacked the boot monster and lived to tell the tale.

Ow! Motherf—” He let out several battle cries of his own before trying to dislodge my teeth from his leg.

Actually I wasn’t sure my teeth had even pierced his flesh. His armor was surprisingly thick. I would have to adjust my approach if I ever got another chance. I had a feeling it wouldn’t be so easy to launch a sneak attack on him the next time.

He shook his leg violently but I clung with all my might. No matter how valiantly I was determined to fight, at some point I would have to admit defeat. The boot monster was just too big. Then just as my jaws were getting tired, the door to the little house flew open and a lady monster stomped right up to him, barking furiously.

Stunned by her bravery, I let go, landing on my rump right next to the sandwich the boot monster had guarded so fiercely.

The smell. OH THE SMELL.

Everything else disappeared as I dove into the sandwich, gulping it down with big, greedy bites. The flavors were sublime. My eyes rolled into the back of my head as the taste exploded across my taste buds before settling in my belly in a warm lump.

Are you kicking that puppy?” the lady monster barked.

Fascinated by her, I paused mid-chew as the boot monster shrank under her gaze. She had a glorious cloud of black fur that swirled around her face and although she was much smaller than he was, he seemed terrified of her power.

Who was this warrior goddess?

The boot monster gestured to me. “I didn’t kick him. He bit me. All because he wanted a meatball.

When both of them turned their attention to me, I quickly devoured the remaining bites. I didn’t want to give him any opportunity to snatch the rest of the sandwich back.

The warrior goddess approached slowly. I put my ears back, ready for a scolding. I would accept whatever punishment she deemed fit. That sandwich had been worth it. Instead she knelt next to me.

Aww, you like meatballs? You look like a little meatball.” Her voice was so soft, it slid over me like a blanket.

What? She wasn’t angry? I approached since she seemed receptive to it. Her hand was dangling right in front of me so I licked her fingers. She rubbed over my back gently before lifting me.

Oh no. Maybe she had just been nice to gain my trust.

Would she throw me in the dungeon?

Sentence me to prison?

I wasn’t sure what that was exactly but I figured it had to be worse than the brown box at home. I’d never get to frolic in the grass again!

Then she held me against her chest, tucking me right below her chin. The events of the day caught up with me and I collapsed in exhaustion. She even had two perfectly placed pillows on her chest to cuddle into. How convenient!

Pretty sure he likes melons as much as he likes meatballs,” the boot monster muttered.

I didn’t know what that meant but I didn’t care. The warrior goddess had protected me. She had given me a name. Mama had told us about this, that when you met your hoomans they would give you a special name and it meant that you’d been chosen.

She’d called me a meatball.

I was Meatball.

Don’t be scared, cutie pie. I won’t let the big old meanie get you,” she whispered as she continued to pet my back with gentle, reassuring strokes.

I liked that name. I sounded out the syllables in my head. CyutiePie. She was so cute, it fit her.

The boot monster barked some more and the tone of his growling scared me. I tried to cover my ears but he was so loud. Cutie Pie just made a menacing face at him before turning away. Overwhelmed, I closed my eyes and blocked everything out.

This had been the longest day ever and I could hardly believe the strange sequence of events that had led me here. From Sweetie’s disappearance, finding out that she’d been taken to meet her hooman, running through an enchanted forest and now this! Battling the boot monster and almost dying over a sandwich.

I was exhausted.

After resting for a minute, I tried to tell Cutie Pie that I should probably look for the red wagon. Maybe I could sneak away quickly and find them. Patches and the others would worry about me. I wanted to let them know that I was going to live with her from now on. But no matter what I did, she didn’t seem to understand me, instead just blanketing my head with her strange kisses.

I would have to show her how to lick properly but until then I would tolerate it since she clearly meant well.

She glanced to the side worriedly and I followed her gaze to see that the boot monster was still nearby. Was he waiting until she was unprepared to launch another attack?

I looked back at Cutie Pie. What if he attacked as soon as I left her side?

I blinked, overcome with emotion. I had never experienced anything like this. As I gazed at her face, fierce and determined as she prepared to face a much bigger adversary, for the first time I understood what love was.

Cutie Pie might be a fierce warrior goddess but she couldn’t watch out for the boot monster all the time. She needed me to protect her, too. This warrior goddess had saved me and in return I would pledge my life to her service. I might not have her powers but I could serve as her steadfast companion. I would go back to find Patches and the others later and let them know about my new position but I couldn’t leave right now.

Cutie Pie was my person.

And this was my destiny.

_ _ _

This bonus scene is an excerpt from Meatball’s Patreon exclusive novella entitled Take a HikeAnd no, that’s not a typo. Meatball has his own story, LOL. 

Take a Hike is a 5 chapter novella completely from Meatball’s POV. To celebrate the release of You Ruin Everything, all free tier members on Patreon now have access to read Meatball’s story. (Paid members can download to read on their ereader or phone). If you love my particular brand of crazy, join my free Patreon and dive in!